Thirteen years ago today my son arrived at JFK airport. It is a day we celebrate and call Airplane Day. Yep. We celebrate it. I know that there are those who feel that this is wrong... how dare I celebrate my son being taken from Korea, etc. etc. To those I say, because I do! I fully acknowledge my son's loss that made him our son. I also work very hard to do what I can to help lessen that loss by giving back to him as much as I can. And while our whole family knows and talks about the losses, their are also positives, and those we will celebrate! My son became mine 13 years ago today. I love him and will celebrate his arrival in my life!
Trip 3 to Korea is only 253 days away! :-)
Showing posts with label korean adoptee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label korean adoptee. Show all posts
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Damned if I do... Damned if I don't
Is it my search to begin? How far should I go? How can I prepare her?
I think I am less inclined to be a purist about principles, even though I agree with Daniel that this action is yet another example of who really holds the cards in the power inequities of social injustice, and how that power relationship is perpetuated and inflicted upon the adoptee.
I know a woman who searched and found her adopted child’s family with positive result. Now, it may be argued that this act serves mainly to further ingratiate the adopted son to his adopted mother, and I chafe at applauding it because she does not acknowledge that the act of adopting in the first place perpetuates a system that limits choices in societies that oppress women, and that the lack of a child’s access to their own identity only shows how adoptee civil/human rights are violated and controlled by this system which awards the privileged and robs those who are powerless.
However, to that boy these ugly politics do not matter. What matters to him is that he has been able to meet his brother and his grandmother. And because of this act, done for whatever reasons, he now has data from which he can sift through, when he is ready, from which he at some point can form his own opinions. Which is something most of us are denied until we find the strength to search on our own: some of whom will never find the strength to do so, and some of whom who do find the strength to do so will never be successful. So I thank the adoptive mom for at least giving him back some opportunity to at least meet the blood he came from.
The thing that infuriates me and angers me to no end is when adoptive parents have information and hold it for some magic later date, determined by them. The other thing that infuriates me and angers me to no end is how most adoptive parents don’t bother to do any on-the-ground fact checking of the children’s social histories prior to adopting. For many of the adoptees who do manage to reunite with their families, their social histories turn out to be very different from reality and are often outright fabrications.
So I tend to think the original proposition is too little too late. It is not a matter of dealing with when the child begins to have questions or is in touch with their own emotions enough to grieve, or is not in touch with their own emotions and shows signs of grieving by acting out, or is not in touch with their own emotions and despairs life without an identity after decades of not facing the trauma of adoption – it is a matter of always recognizing the truth that there is living flesh and blood family and that it is everyone’s natural right to have access to them.
Because of the politics of adoption, that boy missed about nine years of relationship with his Korean family, that he is enjoying a small part of now. Every year you wait is more years of relationship missed. If she had waited until he was the age of legal majority, he would have missed 18 years of relationship. His grandmother might not even have lived that long, and each year the odds of being able to locate family goes down.
In my world, most adoptions would be unnecessary because proper social services and family planning would be provided, women would have a say in their futures, control over their own bodies, children would not be the spoils of war, and entitled people from other countries would recognize that benevolence is giving aid to preserve families instead of taking their human resources. But for those adoptees who have already been subject to this trauma, for God’s sake don’t continue to subject them to more violence. To me, being barred from access to my own identity, history, and family relationships is violence.
ADDED: So I think the search should begin immediately and followed up on with ACTIVE relationship with the child’s family. I’d rather the disruption had never occurred, but to have done nothing while enjoying the child’s company is, to me, criminal and/or exploitative.
Parents searching on behalf of their disempowered adoptee will suddenly find themselves disempowered due to acting against the status-quo and the adoption industry. But despite that, we know that the adoptive parent part of the supposed triad always has the most power, and you may be the only people who can wrestle that information out of the adoption agencies. In doing so, you will get merely a taste of the frustration we adoptees go through trying to reclaim our own history and identity.
I am the woman who is referred to in the above post. First, I DID NOT search for my son’s family to ingratiate him to me – that statement is so offensive to me. I searched because since he could understand that he was adopted (about age 5 that he really understood) he as asked about his Korean mother. He NEEDED to know. I searched because it was the right thing to do.
From above: << I chafe at applauding it because she does not acknowledge that the act of adopting in the first place perpetuates a system that limits choices in societies that oppress women, and that the lack of a child’s access to their own identity only shows how adoptee civil/human rights are violated and controlled by this system which awards the privileged and robs those who are powerless.>>
This is not true, and I am sorry if I have given this impression. I did not understand this 13 years ago when I adopted. At that time, I knew that there were children who had been placed for adoption due to the social construct of the fabric of Korean society and its attitudes towards single mothers and their children. There is no social structure in place to help them. While I now understand that international adoption is helping to perpetuate a system, I think that first there needs to be social change in Korea – I have been to Holt and Eastern and seen ALL the BABIES… so many! And even with the ads and “incentives” to adopt in Korea,domestic adoption is not increasing quickly enough. Social attitudes towards unwed mothers are not changing quickly enough. I am all for that change and an end to international adoption. I speak on this to other adoptive parents. I am now aware of how agencies work with birthmothers and do not help them to keep their children – this is wrong. I now know that agencies lie. I NOW understand so much more than I did 13 years ago.
I tried to start this relationship from the beginning. We made it clear in all of our communications to the agency in the US and with Eastern that we wanted communication. We were ignored on this. We mailed countless letters and pictures (which were all in his file). We were only able to convince the agency to help us when my son was 11.5 (13 in Korean age) and we were coming to Korea. Eastern would not help us prior to this and we had to jump through hoops and threaten to get help this time. At this time Holt still refuses to help us on behalf of my daughter. They will only help my daughter when she is 18 – she has 7 more years to go. We hope that the laws will change. They will not even let her see that she has a file.
My son’s connection with his Korean family is a very good thing. It is a hard relationship due to distance and language, and his understanding of what happened. His Halmoni has said, “I’m sorry we had to send you away.” Not, “I’m sorry we sent you away.” She has made it clear that she feels this was the right choice… that is hard for a boy to understand, but at the same time she shows him love, which he so wants and needs. He looks like his little brother and his deceased grandfather – this means the world to him, to know who he looks like. We have been to Korea twice and will return again in 12/11 – we are trying to go every 12 to 18 months – it is expensive! But we have made a commitment to going as often as we can afford and spending as much time as we can to help foster a relationship as best we can. We call his Halmoni every month. We study Korean language, cook Korean food as part of our everyday meals, celebrate Korean holidays, participate with our local Korean-American community… It is from reading the blogs of adult adoptees that I became so much more informed and I have tried so hard to give my children as much as is possible of their culture/heritage/Korean-ness… I know that I can't replace what was lost. I know that living here is not living there, but I try to give back to them all that I can. Posts like the one above make me me feel like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I am trying. My kids are proud to be Korean, love their country of birth and are able to talk openly about their feelings related to their adoptions/Korean families, etc. That seems like a good start.
(Not meaning to sound too grumpy or defensive…really I’m not).
ADDED in this blog: Truly... if as an adoptive parent I do nothing, I'm damned. If I try to do what I think is right, I am only doing it to "ingratiate" my son to me?!I did it because I LOVE HIM. And while I support the end of international adoption and birth mother rights - I am so tired of the attitude towards all adoptive parents being that we are evil. I chose adoption, I am not infertile. I did not choose it to make the Korean government rich, or to make myself feel some sense of holiness for "saving" a child... I did it because I wanted to parent, and as I understood it at the time, there were children who needed families. Seemed like a good match to me. I NOW know more, but my intentions were never those that are so often portrayed by those who also want to see international adoption come to an end. (Throwing up hands in frustration!)
Friday, December 31, 2010
I'm Back!!
I have been gone from my blog for too long! I will post soon about our 3 weeks in Korea this summer. It was good. It was hot & humid. It was emotional, and sometimes confusing for my kids and myself. I have had to process it before I could write about it... I will soon!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A friend I want to start a group like KAAN (Korean-American Adoption Network)in our area. Our goal is to bring together all in our larger region who support Korean culture in one way or another. One of our goals is to start a youth group for middle school kids and high school kids where they can learn about Korean culture, talk about issues that relate to them as Korean-Americans (and sometimes address adoption issues with the adoptees) and just have a fun time hanging out with kids like themselves in order to build a support group of sorts. We are trying to figure out how to get the ball rolling... Any and all ideas welcome!
Monday, February 22, 2010
What do we owe our children?
A Korean friend has told me many times how much she admires how hard I am working to learn Korean and about Korea. I finally tried to explain to her that I feel that this is the least I can do for my kids. While our family coming together has much joy, there is loss and pain involved as well. My children lost their first families and their culture. While we now have ongoing communication with some of my son's birth family (not my daughter's - yet), I cannot give them back their first families. I can, however, work to give them as much Korean-ness as possible - language, customs, food, holidays, art, music, etc. I am always floored by the adoptive parents who choose not to do this. Who choose to say, "My kids area American now." Or say that their children have no interest in Korea. Most kids don't have an interest in religion, but most families educate their kids on their religious beliefs anyway - it should be the same with education about the child's birth culture.
As adoptive parents we have to do our best to "become Korean" - Korean culture should become OUR culture and be a part of homes and our everyday lives. It cannot be just on Lunar New Year or an occasional dinner out at a Korean restaurant. Our kids need to know that "Korean" is not foreign - it is who they are. They need to know that Korean culture is valued and respected. And the parents who deny it are cheating their kids, and setting their kids up for all kinds of identity issues later on.
(stepping off soap box now)
As adoptive parents we have to do our best to "become Korean" - Korean culture should become OUR culture and be a part of homes and our everyday lives. It cannot be just on Lunar New Year or an occasional dinner out at a Korean restaurant. Our kids need to know that "Korean" is not foreign - it is who they are. They need to know that Korean culture is valued and respected. And the parents who deny it are cheating their kids, and setting their kids up for all kinds of identity issues later on.
(stepping off soap box now)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Worldview
I should preface this post with this: I believe that International Adoption from Korea should end. I believe that all mothers should have the right and opportunity to raise their own children and be supported in this when needed. They also should not be discriminated against. That said....
I am American. I have been raised with a worldview that, while it varies from person to person, has many commonalities with other Americans. Our nation from it's conception has been all about personal freedoms and liberties. We learn this from the time we are young children. Our country is all about the individual. And no matter what ethnicity a person is, if you are raised here, in a family that has its roots here, you grow up within that worldview and with that worldview. Our personal beliefs color this worldview to a point.
Our American or Western Worldview is VERY different from the Eastern Worldview. In most Asian countries, and in Korea specifically, the Worldview is about the family. It is based on Confusion beliefs. Everything is looked in terms of how it will impact/affect the FAMILY, not the individual. This is very hard for those of us with a Western Worldview to understand. It seems to us a violation of human rights. The individual has rights, as we see it, while the Eastern Worldview says no, it is about the impact of the individual's choices on the family.
This difference in Worldviews is, in my opinion, why there are so many babies who need homes in Korea right now. The Confusion belief system still runs strong. The Worldview is different. In Korea a young, unwed woman having a child affects the family. Her choices about keeping/raising her child versus placing it for adoption are seen as a family affair. From our Western perspective this is wrong, it should be about the rights of the mother, not her whole family and what they think.
This way of thinking is slowly beginning to change. Slowly. There is no way to take a belief system that has been held for thousands of years and expect to change it overnight. I commend the adoptees who are in Korea now working to make this change, but they are there with a Western/American Worldview. They are bringing the ideas of individual rights with them and are struggling to understand the notions of Confusion belief, of Korean Worldview.
It is hard to look at a belief system that seems so very wrong to us and accept that it is considered right by another group of people. And to keep in mind, as we work for change, that we cannot just impose our own Worldview and expect another group of people to accept it as right.
I wrestle with this - I want to see change, but at what point are we ethnocentric and imposing our own Worldview? How do we help make change in a way that is effective and at the same time respectful?
I am American. I have been raised with a worldview that, while it varies from person to person, has many commonalities with other Americans. Our nation from it's conception has been all about personal freedoms and liberties. We learn this from the time we are young children. Our country is all about the individual. And no matter what ethnicity a person is, if you are raised here, in a family that has its roots here, you grow up within that worldview and with that worldview. Our personal beliefs color this worldview to a point.
Our American or Western Worldview is VERY different from the Eastern Worldview. In most Asian countries, and in Korea specifically, the Worldview is about the family. It is based on Confusion beliefs. Everything is looked in terms of how it will impact/affect the FAMILY, not the individual. This is very hard for those of us with a Western Worldview to understand. It seems to us a violation of human rights. The individual has rights, as we see it, while the Eastern Worldview says no, it is about the impact of the individual's choices on the family.
This difference in Worldviews is, in my opinion, why there are so many babies who need homes in Korea right now. The Confusion belief system still runs strong. The Worldview is different. In Korea a young, unwed woman having a child affects the family. Her choices about keeping/raising her child versus placing it for adoption are seen as a family affair. From our Western perspective this is wrong, it should be about the rights of the mother, not her whole family and what they think.
This way of thinking is slowly beginning to change. Slowly. There is no way to take a belief system that has been held for thousands of years and expect to change it overnight. I commend the adoptees who are in Korea now working to make this change, but they are there with a Western/American Worldview. They are bringing the ideas of individual rights with them and are struggling to understand the notions of Confusion belief, of Korean Worldview.
It is hard to look at a belief system that seems so very wrong to us and accept that it is considered right by another group of people. And to keep in mind, as we work for change, that we cannot just impose our own Worldview and expect another group of people to accept it as right.
I wrestle with this - I want to see change, but at what point are we ethnocentric and imposing our own Worldview? How do we help make change in a way that is effective and at the same time respectful?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Gift of Language
한국어 Korean language - it is probably the most important, life-long gift I can give to my children. It isn't an easy gift to give. While learning the Korean alphabet is easy, there are many rules and sooo much vocabulary. There is also the time factor - finding time to study and go to class with so much else going on. It is hard for my son, who is studying Latin at school, and Korean at home.
But, even with the difficulties and our very slow progress, it is so worth it. When we return to Korea in July we can talk to Halmoni about what color things are, we'll count for her and name animals, foods and body parts. :-) We should also be able to tell her if we're hungry or full, ask for a bathroom and greet people. I can tell the kids, "Let's go, hurry up!" (가자! 빨리!). Well, we still have a long way to go. For my kids, it is a matter of feeling that they belong. When we were on the subway in Seoul back in April there were times it was very obvious that people near us were talking about us. Both kids said they wanted to learn Korean so they could know what was being said about them! More importantly, knowing Korean will allow my children to return to Korea if they choose and be able to communicate, to fit in a little more easily. For my son (and hopefully someday for my daughter) it means being able to communicate with his Korean family without a translator.
So, we will continue to plug away. We are very thankful to our Korean friend who teaches us, and to so many members of our local Korean community who let us practice our skills when we see them. I am thankful for the encouragement and pride the Korean community has shown my children when they use the little Korean they have.
한국어 공부 시간! (Time to study Korean! - I think).
But, even with the difficulties and our very slow progress, it is so worth it. When we return to Korea in July we can talk to Halmoni about what color things are, we'll count for her and name animals, foods and body parts. :-) We should also be able to tell her if we're hungry or full, ask for a bathroom and greet people. I can tell the kids, "Let's go, hurry up!" (가자! 빨리!). Well, we still have a long way to go. For my kids, it is a matter of feeling that they belong. When we were on the subway in Seoul back in April there were times it was very obvious that people near us were talking about us. Both kids said they wanted to learn Korean so they could know what was being said about them! More importantly, knowing Korean will allow my children to return to Korea if they choose and be able to communicate, to fit in a little more easily. For my son (and hopefully someday for my daughter) it means being able to communicate with his Korean family without a translator.
So, we will continue to plug away. We are very thankful to our Korean friend who teaches us, and to so many members of our local Korean community who let us practice our skills when we see them. I am thankful for the encouragement and pride the Korean community has shown my children when they use the little Korean they have.
한국어 공부 시간! (Time to study Korean! - I think).
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Changes in Korea
I have been following the work of TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community in Korea)as they work to get legislation enacted to allow adoptees more information about themselves. This group is working hard to make sure the voice of the adoptee is heard in Korea as laws concerning them are being made. I hope they are successful. You can find them on Face Book at:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Truth-and-Reconciliation-for-the-Adoption-Community-of-Korea-TRACK/124569369223
The other big change in Korea in relation to adoption is the increase in domestic adoption versus international adoption. I think this is great, but I am worried about the children. I hope that Korea is putting social education in place to help those children be accepted in society. Traditionally, adopted children were not afforded the same legal rights as birth children. And the social stigmas have been awful. I wonder if domestically adopted children will be accepted into families of the people they wish to marry. I hope that the social workers are following up on the adoptees - I'm concerned that the monthly stipend, help with housing and additional health benefits will encourage some people to adopt for the benefits and that these people might not treat an adopted child in the same way they would a birth child.
I am also encouraged to see that there is a group working to help single mothers have rights and help so that they can keep their children. The social stigmas related to unwed pregnancy are ridiculous. The way these women, and their children, are viewed is so wrong.
Soo.. how do you change a centuries old culture? How do you get people of that culture to understand the need for human rights when the rights are at odds with long held beliefs? I think that getting the laws and programs into place must come first, but then how do you help these same people (adoptees, birth mothers) be accepted by society? I hope it is possible. I know that there is a good chance my children will live in Korea at some point - whether they choose to make it their permanent home, or live there for a short term, I want them to be treated with respect, to be able to marry whomever they choose without the rejection of the society that created the social situation which lead to their need to be adopted.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Truth-and-Reconciliation-for-the-Adoption-Community-of-Korea-TRACK/124569369223
The other big change in Korea in relation to adoption is the increase in domestic adoption versus international adoption. I think this is great, but I am worried about the children. I hope that Korea is putting social education in place to help those children be accepted in society. Traditionally, adopted children were not afforded the same legal rights as birth children. And the social stigmas have been awful. I wonder if domestically adopted children will be accepted into families of the people they wish to marry. I hope that the social workers are following up on the adoptees - I'm concerned that the monthly stipend, help with housing and additional health benefits will encourage some people to adopt for the benefits and that these people might not treat an adopted child in the same way they would a birth child.
I am also encouraged to see that there is a group working to help single mothers have rights and help so that they can keep their children. The social stigmas related to unwed pregnancy are ridiculous. The way these women, and their children, are viewed is so wrong.
Soo.. how do you change a centuries old culture? How do you get people of that culture to understand the need for human rights when the rights are at odds with long held beliefs? I think that getting the laws and programs into place must come first, but then how do you help these same people (adoptees, birth mothers) be accepted by society? I hope it is possible. I know that there is a good chance my children will live in Korea at some point - whether they choose to make it their permanent home, or live there for a short term, I want them to be treated with respect, to be able to marry whomever they choose without the rejection of the society that created the social situation which lead to their need to be adopted.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
My new addiction...
My name is Toni, and I am a Korean drama-aholic. I have discovered www.mysoju.com, where one can find Korean dramas with English subtitles. I love it. I am currently into Queen Seon Duk (this one is showing in Korea now, so I have to wait for two new episodes each week). I also enjoyed Boys Before Flowers and I am working my way through You are My Destiny - I think this one is a Soap Opera, and I usually don't like soaps, but this is funny. While I enjoy them, I remind myself not to judge the culture from them - imagine if people judged Americans after watching Married with Children or Days of Our Lives. It is interesting to listen and get the language in my ear. I can sometimes pick out words I know, and I've learned a few new ones, some of which I can't put into print and don't want the children to know. The most interesting part is the respect/class piece. How people speak/bow/interact with those they see as inferior or better than themselves. I'm sure this is exaggerated somewhat on a show, but I think it is part of the culture.
Queen Seon Duk is historical. The costumes are amazing. I have looked up information on it and the historical accuracy isn't authentic, but the story is good.
Queen Seon Duk is historical. The costumes are amazing. I have looked up information on it and the historical accuracy isn't authentic, but the story is good.
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