A Korean friend has told me many times how much she admires how hard I am working to learn Korean and about Korea. I finally tried to explain to her that I feel that this is the least I can do for my kids. While our family coming together has much joy, there is loss and pain involved as well. My children lost their first families and their culture. While we now have ongoing communication with some of my son's birth family (not my daughter's - yet), I cannot give them back their first families. I can, however, work to give them as much Korean-ness as possible - language, customs, food, holidays, art, music, etc. I am always floored by the adoptive parents who choose not to do this. Who choose to say, "My kids area American now." Or say that their children have no interest in Korea. Most kids don't have an interest in religion, but most families educate their kids on their religious beliefs anyway - it should be the same with education about the child's birth culture.
As adoptive parents we have to do our best to "become Korean" - Korean culture should become OUR culture and be a part of homes and our everyday lives. It cannot be just on Lunar New Year or an occasional dinner out at a Korean restaurant. Our kids need to know that "Korean" is not foreign - it is who they are. They need to know that Korean culture is valued and respected. And the parents who deny it are cheating their kids, and setting their kids up for all kinds of identity issues later on.
(stepping off soap box now)
This post sounds like conversations that go on around my house frequently. I, too, have a Korean friend who tells me the same thing yours does. And like you I'm floored when adoptive parents choose not to embrace their child's birth culture. My son had no choice in his adoption so I feel that it's my responsibility to do everything I can connect him to the culture that was his birthright.
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband has said the same thing about religion, and how parents who are religious would never wait to see if their children were intersted to begin teaching their beliefs. Or you don't wait to see if your child likes nutrious food; you lay the foundation by providing foods that aid in development.
While we don't claim we're "becoming Korean" (since that's an ethnicity that I can never be, although I've been accused of try :)), we do define ourselves as a Korean-American family in that we embrace both cultures. Korean culture is a part of our daily lives. We use Korean words and phrases daily, watch Korean television shows, listen to music, and regularly cook Korean food.
For me disregarding our son's birth culture would be disregarding part of who our son is. It would be like rejecting a part of him.
Yes, you're thoughts are the same as mine. By "becoming Korean" I mean culturally. Just as someone can become an American (which is odd - since we are the "melting pot" it is assumed everyone can become American, but for us to "become" something else never sounds right). My big thing is as parents we have to embrace the culture in order to give it our kids. We can't just send our kids off to culture camp for a week each summer and assume that takes care of it.
ReplyDeleteI wish you lived in my neighborhood!
I am so relieved when I find [adoptive] parents out there like you two...thank you for fighting so hard to understand the obstacles and difficulties faced by Korean adoptees...
ReplyDelete