I'm Back!!

I have been gone from my blog for too long! I will post soon about our 3 weeks in Korea this summer. It was good. It was hot & humid. It was emotional, and sometimes confusing for my kids and myself. I have had to process it before I could write about it... I will soon!

A friend I want to start a group like KAAN (Korean-American Adoption Network)in our area. Our goal is to bring together all in our larger region who support Korean culture in one way or another. One of our goals is to start a youth group for middle school kids and high school kids where they can learn about Korean culture, talk about issues that relate to them as Korean-Americans (and sometimes address adoption issues with the adoptees) and just have a fun time hanging out with kids like themselves in order to build a support group of sorts. We are trying to figure out how to get the ball rolling... Any and all ideas welcome!

What do we owe our children?

A Korean friend has told me many times how much she admires how hard I am working to learn Korean and about Korea. I finally tried to explain to her that I feel that this is the least I can do for my kids. While our family coming together has much joy, there is loss and pain involved as well. My children lost their first families and their culture. While we now have ongoing communication with some of my son's birth family (not my daughter's - yet), I cannot give them back their first families. I can, however, work to give them as much Korean-ness as possible - language, customs, food, holidays, art, music, etc. I am always floored by the adoptive parents who choose not to do this. Who choose to say, "My kids area American now." Or say that their children have no interest in Korea. Most kids don't have an interest in religion, but most families educate their kids on their religious beliefs anyway - it should be the same with education about the child's birth culture.

As adoptive parents we have to do our best to "become Korean" - Korean culture should become OUR culture and be a part of homes and our everyday lives. It cannot be just on Lunar New Year or an occasional dinner out at a Korean restaurant. Our kids need to know that "Korean" is not foreign - it is who they are. They need to know that Korean culture is valued and respected. And the parents who deny it are cheating their kids, and setting their kids up for all kinds of identity issues later on.
(stepping off soap box now)

Worldview

I should preface this post with this: I believe that International Adoption from Korea should end. I believe that all mothers should have the right and opportunity to raise their own children and be supported in this when needed. They also should not be discriminated against. That said....

I am American. I have been raised with a worldview that, while it varies from person to person, has many commonalities with other Americans. Our nation from it's conception has been all about personal freedoms and liberties. We learn this from the time we are young children. Our country is all about the individual. And no matter what ethnicity a person is, if you are raised here, in a family that has its roots here, you grow up within that worldview and with that worldview. Our personal beliefs color this worldview to a point.

Our American or Western Worldview is VERY different from the Eastern Worldview. In most Asian countries, and in Korea specifically, the Worldview is about the family. It is based on Confusion beliefs. Everything is looked in terms of how it will impact/affect the FAMILY, not the individual. This is very hard for those of us with a Western Worldview to understand. It seems to us a violation of human rights. The individual has rights, as we see it, while the Eastern Worldview says no, it is about the impact of the individual's choices on the family.

This difference in Worldviews is, in my opinion, why there are so many babies who need homes in Korea right now. The Confusion belief system still runs strong. The Worldview is different. In Korea a young, unwed woman having a child affects the family. Her choices about keeping/raising her child versus placing it for adoption are seen as a family affair. From our Western perspective this is wrong, it should be about the rights of the mother, not her whole family and what they think.

This way of thinking is slowly beginning to change. Slowly. There is no way to take a belief system that has been held for thousands of years and expect to change it overnight. I commend the adoptees who are in Korea now working to make this change, but they are there with a Western/American Worldview. They are bringing the ideas of individual rights with them and are struggling to understand the notions of Confusion belief, of Korean Worldview.

It is hard to look at a belief system that seems so very wrong to us and accept that it is considered right by another group of people. And to keep in mind, as we work for change, that we cannot just impose our own Worldview and expect another group of people to accept it as right.

I wrestle with this - I want to see change, but at what point are we ethnocentric and imposing our own Worldview? How do we help make change in a way that is effective and at the same time respectful?

The Gift of Language

한국어 Korean language - it is probably the most important, life-long gift I can give to my children. It isn't an easy gift to give. While learning the Korean alphabet is easy, there are many rules and sooo much vocabulary. There is also the time factor - finding time to study and go to class with so much else going on. It is hard for my son, who is studying Latin at school, and Korean at home.

But, even with the difficulties and our very slow progress, it is so worth it. When we return to Korea in July we can talk to Halmoni about what color things are, we'll count for her and name animals, foods and body parts. :-) We should also be able to tell her if we're hungry or full, ask for a bathroom and greet people. I can tell the kids, "Let's go, hurry up!" (가자! 빨리!). Well, we still have a long way to go. For my kids, it is a matter of feeling that they belong. When we were on the subway in Seoul back in April there were times it was very obvious that people near us were talking about us. Both kids said they wanted to learn Korean so they could know what was being said about them! More importantly, knowing Korean will allow my children to return to Korea if they choose and be able to communicate, to fit in a little more easily. For my son (and hopefully someday for my daughter) it means being able to communicate with his Korean family without a translator.

So, we will continue to plug away. We are very thankful to our Korean friend who teaches us, and to so many members of our local Korean community who let us practice our skills when we see them. I am thankful for the encouragement and pride the Korean community has shown my children when they use the little Korean they have.

한국어 공부 시간! (Time to study Korean! - I think).

Changes in Korea

I have been following the work of TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community in Korea)as they work to get legislation enacted to allow adoptees more information about themselves. This group is working hard to make sure the voice of the adoptee is heard in Korea as laws concerning them are being made. I hope they are successful. You can find them on Face Book at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Truth-and-Reconciliation-for-the-Adoption-Community-of-Korea-TRACK/124569369223

The other big change in Korea in relation to adoption is the increase in domestic adoption versus international adoption. I think this is great, but I am worried about the children. I hope that Korea is putting social education in place to help those children be accepted in society. Traditionally, adopted children were not afforded the same legal rights as birth children. And the social stigmas have been awful. I wonder if domestically adopted children will be accepted into families of the people they wish to marry. I hope that the social workers are following up on the adoptees - I'm concerned that the monthly stipend, help with housing and additional health benefits will encourage some people to adopt for the benefits and that these people might not treat an adopted child in the same way they would a birth child.

I am also encouraged to see that there is a group working to help single mothers have rights and help so that they can keep their children. The social stigmas related to unwed pregnancy are ridiculous. The way these women, and their children, are viewed is so wrong.

Soo.. how do you change a centuries old culture? How do you get people of that culture to understand the need for human rights when the rights are at odds with long held beliefs? I think that getting the laws and programs into place must come first, but then how do you help these same people (adoptees, birth mothers) be accepted by society? I hope it is possible. I know that there is a good chance my children will live in Korea at some point - whether they choose to make it their permanent home, or live there for a short term, I want them to be treated with respect, to be able to marry whomever they choose without the rejection of the society that created the social situation which lead to their need to be adopted.

My new addiction...

My name is Toni, and I am a Korean drama-aholic. I have discovered www.mysoju.com, where one can find Korean dramas with English subtitles. I love it. I am currently into Queen Seon Duk (this one is showing in Korea now, so I have to wait for two new episodes each week). I also enjoyed Boys Before Flowers and I am working my way through You are My Destiny - I think this one is a Soap Opera, and I usually don't like soaps, but this is funny. While I enjoy them, I remind myself not to judge the culture from them - imagine if people judged Americans after watching Married with Children or Days of Our Lives. It is interesting to listen and get the language in my ear. I can sometimes pick out words I know, and I've learned a few new ones, some of which I can't put into print and don't want the children to know. The most interesting part is the respect/class piece. How people speak/bow/interact with those they see as inferior or better than themselves. I'm sure this is exaggerated somewhat on a show, but I think it is part of the culture.

Queen Seon Duk is historical. The costumes are amazing. I have looked up information on it and the historical accuracy isn't authentic, but the story is good.

Chosuk

The Korean holiday of Chosuk - The Full Moon or Harvest festival is coming up on October 3. This holiday travels around on the Lunar calendar, usually falling in late September. It is often compared to the American Thanksgiving, though I think it is a combination of Thanksgiving and Memorial Day. We have decided it is about time we added it to our celebrations. The tradition, as I understand it, starts with a morning ceremony of bowing in honor of the family ancestors. A special table with special foods (one being moon shaped rice cakes) is set up, and while wearing hanbok, the family bows in front of the table. After that, the family travels to their family burial place to clean it up for the year. There is a family dinner that evening. We are doing a modified version with the table and dinner happening at the same time. We are looking forward to two other families like ours, and one Korean family joining us. I am still trying to research what foods to include... more on that later.

What's in a name????

The biggest mistake we made during the adoption process was not keeping our children's Korean names as part of their legal names. We use their Korean names at home, at Korean school, with our Korean friends, but they are not part of their legal names. I really regret this. Recently, my son asked me if we can legally add it, so we are investing how to do this through the court system. Poor kid.. he'll have 5 names since I gave him 2 middle names and he doesn't want to drop any. My daughter hasn't asked for this, but we'll changer hers as well, I think.

This really hit home for me when we escorted home SeungJu from Korea to the US. He was known by this name for 9 months. It is a part of who he is. It is who he was to us... and when we handed him over to his family they called him by his American name and it felt strange to me. I did the same thing, so I am not judging. I don't know if they kept his Korean name or not (I hope so). But this experience really made me realize the importance of keeping a child's Korean name... it is a real part of who they are, it acknowledges that their lives began before me, in another place. I know this is important to many Koreans as well. My daughter's foster mother kept saying her Korean name over and over and asking, "You know who you are?" My son's Halmoni was very happy that my son knew he used his Korean name and that he could write his name in Korean (I'm not sure she even knows what his American name is).

So.... if you are in the process of adopting I encourage you to keep your child's Korean name as part of his/her legal name. It helps to recognize that this child had a life in Korea prior to coming to the US. It helps your child keep a part of him/herself, I think, that is sometimes lost.

I'm curious what others think.... please post.

My first blog...

My first blog... where to start? As the mother of two children adopted from Korea I find myself reflecting on the beginning of our journey. It started online - I found adoption agency information online and joined a member board on AOL for people starting the adoption process. The women on that board became my support group along that part of the journey. As my children have gotten older (now 9 & 11), I find that the support groups and "culture" days friends have fallen out of touch. We are all so busy with our lives and that of our children. Their "Korean-ness" is only one part of them (albeit a LARGE part). We have taekwondo, dance, instruments, homework, etc. to take up our time now. But I am finding the need for support and information is greater than ever.

This past April we went to Korea for the first time. It was life changing. I wrote about that, and will post that in a separate blog, along with some pictures of our trip. It has only refueled my desire to do more for my children, to help them be Korean.

So, it is my hope that by getting my thoughts out here, I might find other parents like my husband and I. Parents who fully embrace their children's "Korean-ness", who are striving to find ways to help their children incorporate it into their view of themselves.